I have already emotionally vomited on two people tonight but I still feel just as upset, so you’re next, Tumblr friends.
Note: this means there is complaining ahead.
I am so frustrated I can’t even think of anything real to say but sometimes spewing out my emotions helps me so I’m just going to type. I’m frustrated. I swear my life is a fucking mess. For an agoraphobic, I never have the sense of feeling like I am at home. I crave that so much. I just want to feel content, like I can unpack my things and settle down, which sounds strange considering I am in the house I grew up in so it would seem like I had some sense of stability, familiarity, belonging, feelings of being loved, feelings of safety - things a home should provide but all I feel is uprooted and displaced. I feel like I’m constantly wandering, looking for something/anything/anyone to get me the fuck out of this situation. I feel like maybe I could make it if someone just provided a rope, I will get myself out of this but I need resources to do that. By resources I mean support. Something tangible, something I can hold and depend upon to be there and I’m realizing more and more that I will not be finding that in another person but I don’t understand why. So many other people have found it. I just want a good friend. Someone to lean on, to hold my hand, to laugh with and to love. The lack of friendship in my life will always break my heart.
People used to blame me for their absence or when I would make comments about needing help they would say I just needed to ask. They would say things like “how am I supposed to know you wanted me around when you never asked?” - fair enough. But I’ve been asking, I’ve been outright begging and I’m met with some deafening silence. By everyone. Friends, family, lovers, strangers. I need help! I’m drowning. I’m lost. I feel like drifting further and further. I honestly do not know how to get back on my feet, it has been so long since I’ve felt like the ground was mine to walk upon. (I just realized those were Bright Eyes lyrics, but they’re relevant so eat it) I’m 27 years old, I thought this part of my life would have been long over by now but there is still no end in sight. Every time I think I see a light or feel the smallest amount of hope it is snuffed out. I’m working so hard on my recovery but I have to drug myself out of my mind to do the simplest things and that’s not exactly something I can do all the time. I have no way to pay for therapy even though I work 2 jobs, I am too busy trying to pay for my $2,000 monthly health insurance (that is USELESS and doesn’t cover shit!) that I am literally trapped in until the Fall. Too busy trying to get my family out of the massive debt we are in and trying to save for some sort of a future that I can’t actually even picture at this point.
Basically, I just really need to catch a break. I’m tired of feeling a perpetually heartbroken drifting mess who isn’t actually drifting at all because they are quite literally the most stuck person in the whole world. Stuck literally, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially.
I would do anything for someone I loved. I wish they would lend a hand or a shoulder. I need a rope, a path out, a compass, a lighthouse, a map… what else do people use to find their way? Whatever it is, that’s what I need.
Lead the way, friends, please. Cause I think my expiration is coming up kind of soon.
Sweet dreams, Tumblr.
Anonymous said: I need some help. Where can I find a great burrito in South Florida?
Tijuana Flats for all your texmex needs!